Who's Show Is It Anyway?

Do you know the hardest thing being in this personal time bubble of mine? Trying heroically NOT to read the other reviews that have been already posted, especially the ones about episode 4. The last thing I want to do is make observations that sound too similar to others, or steal someones crap joke without realising it. Of course there only so many things one can say about:

The Claws Of Axos Episode 3 :

Menaced by the acne ridden delivery boys from Pizza Express, Bill, Jo and the Doctor frantically try to look even the tiniest bit scared. The crawling man in the sack amazingly becomes an upright man in a sack with a few twiddly bits stuck on. Bill gets it in the chest from a purple sucker on a stick and passes out from the shock. Meanwhile, the Doctor and his lovely assistant practise a bit of square dancing with their newly "re-personalised" golden pals. It only bores them into submission.

Back at base, the Brig tries to contact Geneva to get rid of the loathesome multi-Chinn, despite the appearance of Tim Nice-But-Dim Piggot-Smith. Lard boy and the one off of "It 'Aint Half Hot Mum" rush to the reactor to learn of the death of Winser. Watch Chinn run in straight-legged as if he desperately needs a pee. Bernard Axon makes up some flibber flabber about radiation, and it turns out the Axons have done a Kim and Aggie and cleaned the place up good and proper.

Inside Axos, Jo and the Doc are held by those trusty red claws, which seem to be having a jolly good feel all over Jo's body. Oh to be an effects operator on that episode! The others Earth morons are duped into thinking that Winser has vanished, and Filer's performance goes up a notch as he lies totally still in a coma.

The Axons finally reveal their master plan - to absorb all matter and SUCK THE EARTH DRY! Not enough that they pollute our minds with their filthy looking ships and tight lycra. No, now they want to give the planet the BJ of it's life and leave it a spent husk. You can imagine Bob Baker and Dave Martin sniggering like naughty schoolboys. "Did you see what we did there? Fnarr Fnarr!"

At last the Brig gets to take over, and watch Chinny gawp as the thought of all the pies he could have bought with the sale of Axonite, vanish into smoke. I got a perverse glee out of that. As for the aliens, well it's a case of "But Axos, we only have 72 hours to infect the Earth".  Chinn's boss pops up on the screen (where was that when he was phoning him last episode?), looking like Doctor Death out of some old Vincent Price horror movie. Someone's been talking to the tabloids (well the UN anyway) and everyone wants a piece of the Axonite.

Bill's in hospital channelling Basil Exposition in his sleep - ramming home the plot points we really couldn't have missed. In the reactor plant, gormless Benton is fooled by the Master wearing a pig's bladder instead of a mask. I've never seen a less convincing disguise. Well not this week. Once inside the Doctor's TARDIS, the Master goes all Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and starts getting critical about the "botch up" controls and the chintzy decor. Doesn't he know white is the new black?

The Doctor is tortured for his secrets of time travel - allowing Jon P to do a bit of gurning worthy of his later role as Worzel Gummidge. It all turns into a bit of a psychedelic trip, followed by Jo being aged 60 years. She looks pretty rough as an old bag, but then the real Katy now looks... well...hmmm... Please turn her back Axos. Forced to think of the equations, Jon has little acting to do except shut his eyes or squint a bit. One of the formulae on screen is "Mega K (Tons)". Is this the Time Lord version of Special K? Designed to keep a 900 year old body fit and trim? Or maybe the TARDIS is just powered by half a bowl of Frosties and a bit of mouldy toast.

So the Axonite is going to be distributed to Canada, America and - Scotland? So much for you fellas in the rest of the world. Giant moose, hamburgers and haggis for all then. Looks like Bill in his stripey PJ's is giving the Brig the real 411 about our sex obsessed alien chums. Too late! Hold that Axon mask on Bernie! We wouldn't want it to fall off. Oh now he's a fully fledged bog monster, lumbering around the power plant with his explosive tentacles and smoking hands. Lets have some drug crazed synth stylings to accompany the mayhem. I have to admit the Axon somehow defies expectations and looks pretty good here. Almost menacing, which is amazing considering the sack travesty fifteen minutes earlier.

Inside the TARDIS, The Master is doing what all good villains should, and talking out loud to himself. The TARDIS is a "second hand gas stove" apparently. Well it certainly looks like he tried to fix the stabiliser with the parts from an old oven. Glimpsing the light accelerator he ventures outside and stupidly gets himself caught. Roger Delgado's scenes here are excellent. He's a believable, three dimensional character who oozes smugness and superiority. He even manages to make a deal with the UNIT boys. The Axons are going to get a blow-back they didn't expect.

The Axos time field doesn't work and the Doctor escapes out of his yellow bubble chair into the maroon maze, where the claws are working overtime without anyone to fondle. Rescuing Jo, they both wobble around in the fun house, trying not to damage the set. Meanwhile the Master is about to blow them up but good...

You know my real problem with this story? The Doctor just isn't in it very much. At times it feels like the "Master and his UNIT pals" show. Admittedly when he is onscreen, Delgado is mesmerising, but shouldn't the shows title character be in it a bit more? I can understand from the Willy Hartnell days when it was on 48 weeks a year - everyone needs a holiday. But here, even if you don't like Pertwee (which I do), you have a right to expect a bit more lead actor with your Mega K.

Next time: Either Chinn dies or the DVD player gets it.

Comments

[Darth Marsden]

That's why I tend to avoid doing my review until the weekend - to avoid reading other reviews and nicking parts of them. Sadly, this does sometimes backfire, like last week, when by coincidence, I included a comment in my Tomb of the Cybermen review which Neil had already mentioned in his. Sorry 'bout that Neil. It's also why I review the serial rather then the episodes.

And if anyone else is reading - does anyone know where I can track down Slipback, the audio with Colin Baker? Been trying to find it for a while, without success. Any help?

[Kevin Jordan]

Well, apart from trying e-Bay, I think I have a cassette version somewhere. Would a copy of that do?

[Darth Marsden]

Yeah, that'd be fantastic. ("I'm so sorry.") E-mail me at darthmarsden@tesco.net and we'll talk.

[Darth Marsden]

Actually Paul, don't worry - found a couple of copies on Amazon.co.uk, but thanks anyway.

[Kevin Jordan]

Paul?

Who iz zis Paul of which you speak?

;-)

[Damon Querry]

I've got Slipback on BBC CD.

It's

Not

Very

Good!

[Darth Marsden]

Sorry Nigel, got my names mixed up there.

And yes David, I know it's not that great (I've heard the first episode) but I'm a Colin Baker fan. Sue me.