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You'll need a DVD copy of The Five Doctors to get the most out of it.

More Who Spin-offs Revealed

Following the commission of Torchwood, which is, of course, an anagram of Doctor Who, the BBC have commissioned even more spin-off shows to complete the collection and ensure R T Davies a place at HappyDale, where every lunatic is a clean one:

Cohort Dow: Featuring Mickey as the sly Dowager who plots to overthrow the British government by hacking into the UNIT website every week and sending rude jokes to the Prime Minister.

CrowdHoot: Featuring a group of barn owls, one of which may have hooted in The Empty Child, but you'll have to wait 13 weeks to find out!

Cord, Oh Tow: Featuring the Tow Truck rope which featured in The Parting of The Ways as it tries to make it in London as an actor.

Cord, Oh: Two: Spin-off series from Cord, Oh Tow, where the gear stick finally breaks free and vows to seek enlightenment from a life of travelling around breaking into TARDISes.

Cot, Oh Word!: A prequel series featuring the Doctor's adventures as a Time Tot.

'How, Doctor?': Spin-off featuring every single companion who has ever asked the Doctor an inane question.

Reported by James Coleman and Tachyon TV

Missing Who Planned

The BBC have announced that the final three episodes of the new Doctor Who series will be destroyed before they are even transmitted. 

A BBC statement said: "For the fans who complain that the series isn't as good as it was in the 60's and 70's, we will be wiping the final three episodes as soon as they leave the edit suite.  This way fans can debate whether they were ever any good or not for years".

Reported by Simon Ellis

24 Hour Rolling Who

The BBC has defended its decision to ask the Government for a 2% above inflation increase in the number of hours in the day. Director General, Mark Thompson, stated that this was needed if the BBC was to honour its commitments and broadcast all of its planned Doctor Who output, which includes both the main parent show and all 18 spin-offs - including the recently announced Torchwood.

A pressure group who campaigns on behalf of the vulnerable in society said,  "Pensioners will be hardest hit as they are already struggling to fill even 24 hours. There's only so much Last of the Summer Wine and crochet a human being can handle in one day."

The other Doctor Who spin-offs currently include:

• Yes, Minister for Flydale North: hilarious sit-com written by Ian Hislop and starring Penelope Winton
• Have I Got Doctor Who News For You: live panel show which airs at Midnight to capitalise on any press leaks, with Andrew Beech and Gary Gilliat as the team captains
• Rose Unleashed: late-night masturbatory fantasy in which Rose moves into a flat with Mickey
• Doctor Who Confidential Confidential: go so far behind-the-scenes you come out the other side
• Late Who Review: Tom Paulin and Bonnie Greer are forced to sit through the entire canon. Followed by Newsnight's look at the early edition fanzine covers
• Who 2006: Jonathan Ross casts a critical eye over the week's Doctor Who output
• Duggan: gritty crime drama starring Tom Chadbon as a cop on the edge
• The Whoprentice: Russell T Davies puts 12 fanboys through a gruelling 13 week job interview. The winner gets to write the Sad Tony spin-off
• King Arthur: with Sylvester McCoy as Merlin
• Raxacoricofallapatorius 24: Rolling 24 hour news service from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius
• Jago and Litefoot: finally!
• Over-egging the pudding: Cookery show with Gary Russell
• So You Want to Create A Web Site? BBC Bitesize course where Mickey and Clive demonstrate how to make a truly awful website
• Watchdog: consumer rights programme hosted by K9
• Jobsearch: with Christopher Eccleston
• Torchwood: Rhyll (spin-off from Torchwood: Cardiff)
• Torchwood: Asby-de-la-Zouch (spin-off from the spin-off)
• Hot Cod Row: steamy soap opera set in a chip shop
• Touchwood: documentary series which asks whether all this Who saturation will result in public apathy and a swift cancellation

Reported by Damon Querry, Tachyon TV and feelk

Dr Who: Series 2 Set Report

Filming continued late into the evening at The Fitzroy Tavern, on Thursday night. The show's regulars where no-where to be seen as I gathered that this particular sequence is from the pre-credits opening of episode 4.

In a basement room there was a presentation on xml, mysql and php going on. I believe that this elaborate looking coven, who were huddled around the PowerPoint presentation, are key to the entire episode as they're attempting to use the natural lay lines (that also happen to be the pipes that transport the beer from the cellar to the pumps) that run beneath the boozer to call forth some terrible evil.

The inside of the bar had been completely re-dressed as there were beers on sale that I've never seen in any other pub. One of them was called Ayingerbrau and had a be-whiskered giant of a man on the pump. I later found out that this was connected to the main threat of the episode.

Also spotted were Jeremy Bentham, Rob Shearman and Steve Moffat. I understand that the major enemy of the piece, who is called The Ayingerbrau, will be played by these three men in a foam rubber suit, with Bentham taking the head and torso and Shearman and Moffat a leg each.

As the night wore on, and vodka was taken to equalise the effect of the terrible lager being consumed, the monster made his appearance and slowly consumed groups of men. But as no-one actually talks or notices anyone outside of their own group there was no reaction as slowly, one-by-one, each group was consumed by the monster.

There was then a terrible grinding and churning sound. No, I'm afraid this wasn't the TARDIS arriving, just people being very, very ill indeed through beer consumption.

Reported by Damon Querry

The Abzorbaloff is Off!

The producers of Doctor Who are facing a huge legal battle as Roger Hancock, acting on behalf of William Grantham (age 9), has refused the BBC permission to use the Abzorbaloff in an upcoming episode.

The winner of the Blue Peter Design a Monster competition was due to battle David Tennant's Doctor until talks between the BBC and Grantham, who created the Abzorbaloff, broke down over issues of editorial control.

Grantham claimed that the BBC were trying to ruin the Abzorbaloff brand by making him both gay and mauve. "The other kids at school will make William's life a misery and the experience will probably scar him for life," said Mr Hancock, with a protective arm around the young designer's shoulder. "That will cost the BBC at least another ten grand".

But don't worry, The Sun are on the case and they plan to launch a 'Save the Green Blobby Sumo-Thing!' campaign in tomorrow's edition.

Stephen Fry, the writer of the Abzorbaloff episode, is said to be furiously re-writing his script so it can include Sad Tony instead (see above). "Marvellous," he said.

Russell T Davies has been quick to reassure the fans: "Sad Tony is a farting alien with a trunk shaped like a giant penis. I can't believe we didn't go for him in the first place!"

Rik Waller is reported to be gutted.

Doctor Who Season 2 Spoilers (part two)

Continuing Tachyon TV's exclusive look at Doctor Who's second season:

7 Ginger-pubes: Wanting a break from the hot'n'horny antics of the Cybermen, the Doctor and Rose finally escape to an alien world for the first time in this new series and end up in a freakishly-coloured moist jungle. Guest starring Chris Evans as Hieronymus Pube, a Leader.

8 & 9 Ice in the Pints: Following a drunken conversation in the pub the previous night, the Doctor and Rose, who were reminiscing about things that you don't see any more, set off to discover just what happened to those little blue three wheeler invalid carriages and stumble upon a trans-temporal smuggling ring who are remove all signs of white dog poo from the streets of Britain for shipment into a distant star system. Guest starring the entire cast of 'Two Pints and a Packet of Crisps' being minced to death in a blender.

10 Currying Favours: Somewhere on the remote planet of Trafanica, Rose wakes up in a fast food restaurant to find herself working as a short order chef specializing in deep fried brokao burgers. Unsure of how she got there she eventually stumbles upon a secret portal to the Bigg Market in Newcastle and manages to free the Doctor from the clutches of Lord Harpole of the Ru'Pali People. Guest starring Ricky Gervais as himself.

11 Moab: The Doctor and Rose descend into the fictional twisted world of a comedy duo and are lumbered with "the one who's not a big star in the States" and have to fight the frightening Pork Bellies to win their freedom from Mostyn the Magnificent. Guest starring Stephen Fry as Hugh Laurie.

12 & 13 Who's Cyron Now?: Having humped their way around the Universe the Cybermen become a race of placid, laid back creatures. After all these years of the Doctor fighting menacing and wound-up Cybermen it appears all they really wanted was a shag. Seizing on the opportunity to get one over on the tin men, the original inhabitants of Telos, the Cyrons, formulate a plan to over throw them and regain control. The Doctor is then placed in the difficult position of needing to save the Cyber race from destruction. He does this by attempting to make them fizz with sexual jealousy by performing many lewd acts with various pieces of electrical equipment in the Bromsgrove branch of Rumbelows. Oh, and then Rose dies.

Reported by Damon Querry

Doctor Who: Season 2 Spoilers (part one)

With production on the second and/or 28th series of Doctor Who (depending on your level of anality) well underway, Tachyon TV is able to give you a full run down on the stories forming the second trip of a lifetime.

Christmas Special: The 'Ever Decreasing Circles' crossover episode. Following his hastily written regeneration, the Doctor believes he's Martin Bryce, a character from an 80's BBC sitcom. Guest starring Penelope Wilton as Richard Briers and Brian Blessed as Santa Claus.

1 Strictly Time Travel: The "you were expecting this sooner rather than later" musical episode of Who that's been coming ever since Buffy put on her tap-shoes. An intergalactic song and dance competition is held on prehistoric Earth. Featuring Graham Norton as the compare Tyrannosaurs Rex and songs written by Ian Levine and choreographed by Arlene Philips.

2 The Ru'Pali: The Doctor and Rose cause a big stink on Earth in the year 3245 where the populous are cowering under the oppressive rule of a foul smelling regime. The Doctor accidentally stabs their leader to death 19 times and he, on his death bed, vows his brother will avenge his death. All the parts will be played by David Tennant.

3 Enemies Reunited: K9's reappearance in 'Doctor Who' is curtailed as he gets crushed to the size of a tin of beans when Sarah Jane Smith takes her Metro Cabriolet to a scrap dealer and leaves the metal mutt on the back seat. Meanwhile. while inexplicably working in a school as a Maths teacher, Sarah Jane must help the Doctor best Anthony Stewart Head's Rani and her plans to make A-levels even easier to pass.

4 The Something of Something Else: Formulaic old-skool 'Who' as the Doctor and Rose end up in a base under siege story reusing sets and costumes from the BBC store. Guest starring John Actor as the shin of Omega.

5 & 6 CyberNob: The men of metal are finally back as the Cybermen go in search of realistic sexual organs to enhance their already powerful physic. Guest starring David Banks as George the Cybermat

Part Two coming tomorrow...

Reported by Damon Querry

Doctor Who DVD News

'The Web Planet' DVD has been delayed for a month. This is because of clearance and classification problems at the BBFC; the panel couldn't stop laughing long enough to write their report.

Tachyon TV can also exclusively reveal the final details for the long-awaited Doctor Who 2005 boxset:

• Commentaries on all the episodes by every single member of the production team, except the one you want.
• Billie Piper's home-movie sex video (with Chris Evans): 3 mins
• 'Thinking up Fart Gags' Featurette: 24 mins
• 'Keeping the Doctor Gay' Featurette: 24 mins
• 'Locating the Logo Designers (drama-documentary): 42 mins
• 'Andrew Pixely Stalks the Production Team' (poor quality shaky-cam): 90 mins
• 'Parting of the Ways' alternative ending when it wasn't planned like that from the start: 3 minutes
• 'Shaun Lyon has a lie-down': (a few minutes)
• 'Murray Gold drops some cymbals': (often)
• 'Jack Barrowman Gushes Uncontrollably': 1 hour
• 'Christopher Eccleston Interview': 37 seconds
• Deleted scenes: including the one where 'Bad Wolf' makes sense.
• All the BBC pre-publicity trailers and various crew appearances on a variety of naff chat-shows: seventeen hours over four discs
• Easter Eggs: 'Eccleston threatens to lamp Keith Boak' and 'Jack's Glorious Arse': (20 seconds each)
• TK Max Catalogue (PDF file)

Missing, Presumed Rubbish

The BBC have discovered two "missing" episodes of Doctor Who sitting in a cupboard at Television Centre.

The cupboard, which was "hidden" in a room called 'The Doctor Who Room - Beware of the Leopard', was found to contain two episodes from 'The Faceless Ones'. Bizarrely, fans are still said to be ecstatic.

This discovery (by a cleaner) is only marred by Ian Levine's recent admission that he left a copy of 'The Power of the Daleks' on a bus in the late 1970s.

'Who' Mobile

The BBC announced today that classic episodes of Doctor Who will be made available to mobile phone users.

The Restoration Team have been working around the clock to make these episodes accessible to the text message generation and, having painstakingly expunged, digitally, all the vowels, are proud to announce that the first story to be released is the 4th Doctor classic GNSS F TH DLKS: the DLKS and their evil creator DVRS threaten to XTRMN8 the DCTR and SRH-JN.

Each download costs £17 per minute (£34 per minute peak rate) and the first 100 downloads also receive a free Crazy Frog remix of the Delaware theme tune.

Reported by Damon Querry

SJS Goes to Iceland

Tachyon TV is sad to report that Elizabeth Sladen has pulled out of reprising the role of Sarah Jane Smith in the new series of Doctor Who.

Sladen's agent cited scheduling conflicts with a new and exciting season of Iceland adverts.

The role of Sarah Jane has been recast and she will now be played by Mary McDonnell (see left) who suddenly found a window in her diary when her Battlestar Galactica character was unceremoniously killed off last week.

Sockless in Suburbia

The latest issue of DWM contains a picture exclusive of the 10th Doctor. Editor Clayborn Von Hockmann reveals in his editorial column, "..DWM once again beats all the competition and brings you exclusive sockless shots of the new Doctor. Honest. Even in this digital age DWM can still hold its own. Nobody else has these shots. It's like being the Telegraph or something!

"As well as bringing you all the latest news a mere six weeks after the Internet gets it, we've also brought back two familiar elements from DWM's glorious past: the Matrix Data Bank and Sycophancy."

Reported by Damon Querry & Tachyon TV

Design a Monster Result

A nine-year-old boy's winning design for a monster will feature in the next series of  Doctor Who.

William Grantham, from Colchester, Essex, came up with  Christoperecclestonecanfuckoff, a monster which disappoints fanboys around the world by only appearing in one season.

This year's competition broke records with fourteen entries - the biggest response to a Blue Peter Doctor Who competition since 1989 when viewers were invited to predict how long Sylvester McCoy would stay in the role and were rewarded with an evening out with John Nathan-Turner at a local Turkish baths.

Reported by Pat from Blackpool

Doctor Who News In Brief

• The editor of the Radio Times apologises profusely to Doctor Who fans after failing to include a 16 page spread on the 8th Doctor's first appearance on BBC7.
• The 9th Doctor action figure comes complete with branded Who nail file so you can shave a few inches off the ears and nose to magically turn it into a 10th Doctor action figure.
• The BBC has issued a plea to fans who are planning on turning up to location filming to refrain from creating a distraction whilst filming is in progress. Apparently they have been disturbed by a number of flashes, but hope that as the weather worsens it'll become too cold for members of the public to expose themselves in front of David Tennant.
• Anthony Stewart Head is reported to be thrilled to appear as The Watcher in the new series. Until he discovered it meant he'd be covered from head to toe in papier mache...

Reported by Damon Querry

10th Doctor Costume Revealed

Described by the popular Sci-Fi press, and SFX Magazine, as "geek chic" the 10th Doctor's costume was recently revealed. Here at Tachyon TV we are able to give you the full run down:

Nothing says the early days of home computing like an Atari t-shirt and the 10th Doctor will be sporting this throughout his tenure – to be tucked firmly into his y-fronts at all times. Setting off the t-shirt will be a pair of a-line polyester slacks, with pockets in the knees, capable of generating fearsome amounts of static electricity as they rub together at the crotch. For socks, nothing less than Jet Set Willy embroidered knee length stockings would do for this geeky Doctor, together with matching sock suspenders. And shoes, what else but a pair of 1970's school gym plimsolls. The whole ensemble is topped off with a furry-hooded parker jacket.

Wardrobe consultant Mark Ayres said, "It's a positive triumph."

Reported by Damon Querry

Beyond the TARDIS

August: From the 19th, William Russell will be appearing in his local Somerfield wondering what he came in for.  Most Evenings and Wednesday matinees, until the court order comes through.

September: To celebrate the release of 'The Web Planet' on DVD, Maureen O' Brien will be smearing Vaseline and/or swarfega over her aperture at the Stamp Centre in the Strand.  Bring Sandwiches and some Wellingtons.

Graeme Bung, writer of Virgin New Adventure 'The Depths of Pretentousnessness' (The one in which Roz has sex, Chris gets tortured and the Doctor isn't involved until the last eight pages) has written his first non-Who novel.  'It Aint Nessie celery so', the continuing stories of the Doctor's stick of celery (made sentient in his own Missing Adventure 'The Urbankan Inheritance') will be published by Mad Badger Vanishing press and never see the inside of a bookshop in the whole of its short miserable life.

28th: Jennifer Bitpart, famous for her role as 'Barri', the sixth doctor's newest Big Finish companion, will be appearing as 'delighted margarine eater' in the new series of Spreadula ads, premiering on terrestrial television in all parts of Britain and Newcastle.

October: On the 12th, Paul Mahjong, ex Dr Who novelist and nothing much else, will be appearing at Blandly-Under-Whelming literary festival.  He will be reading extracts from his latest novel, a collection of his most testy internet postings on Outpost Gallifey and Jade Pagoda.  'The Last Retort' is published by Tragically Tiny Press, and released under cover of darkness.  Each copy will be signed by Micheal Sheard just for the hell of it.

December: Patrick Troughton is still dead.  Tickets are available.

The Complete Ninth Doctor Pamphlet

Continuing their habit of rehashing classic comic strips, DWM have announced the imminent release of a booklet that will hold their complete run of 9th Doctor comic strips.

Clayton Hicupman gushed yesterday, "All those classic 9th Doctor stories are now included in one easy to read, digitally remastered pamphlet which boasts over half a page of unreleased material. They are in full colour and some of the images even bear a slight resemblance to the Doctor and Rose”.

The Complete 9th Doctor Comic Strip Pamphlet will be available for 13 weeks at the end of March 2006 for a price that reflects the quality of the stories: 20p.

Reported by James Whittington

By Royal Command

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal that new legislation will make the failure to commission further series of Doctor Who an act of treason - punishable by death.

From the autumn, cancelling the hit series will join burning British money, killing swans and sticking stamps upside down as acts that will see you tortured mercilessly in the Tower of London. Michael Grade was unavailable for comment.

This follows the news that this year's Queen's speech will form an integral part of the Doctor Who Christmas Special, with HRH set to deliver her annual address perched on the TARDIS console dressed as a Slitheen. Innuendos (in Latin) are currently being prepared by Steven Moffat.

TARGET Books Update

In an exclusive update to the news that the BBC are bringing back the TARGET range of Doctor Who novelisations, we can now reveal the titles of the final six books.

Justin Richards spilled the beans during a break in filming the hit Channel 4 comedy, Peep Show.

• Doctor Who and the Really Sad Bit
  
• Doctor Who and the Bisexual Captain
  
• Doctor Who and the Ambulance of Death
• Doctor Who and the City of Welsh
• Doctor Who and the Three Little Pigs
  
• Doctor Who and the Dalek Invasion of Endemol
  

Doctor Who: Season Two Spoilers

Tachyon TV has discovered the identity of season two's Big Bad, an evil creature which will remorselessly pursue Rose and the tenth Doctor through space, time and Jackie's housing estate.

After the runaway success of the Bad Wolf meme in season one (well, until they tried to explain it) Russell The Davies has managed to secure a deal with The Crazy Frog for seven full episodes and six barely noticeable subliminals.

"Every time the Doctor unmasks the villain you'll hear the Frog sing his little 'Ding Ding'" explained Davies, proudly. "Trust me, it'll drive you nuts". Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

In a surprising twist set to be leaked by The Star, the Frog will turn out to be a mutated dalek who inadvertently plugged himself into the Babestation Contacts channel while he was busy researching reality TV shows in the lead-up to the dalek's recent plan to conquer the known universe.

Russell confirmed that the Frog would almost certainly be bisexual, thanks for asking.

Other season two spoilers currently circulating the net:

• Stephen Moffat's season 2 episodes will reveal the genesis of the cybermen. Turns out it's all down to an S and M swingers party that got completely out of control.
• K9 will return to the series, but only as a reference to a sexual position (Mr Moffat, again).
• David Tennant will speak in a broad innuendo-strewn accent. His kilt will be bigger on the inside (taxi for Mr Moffat).
• Billie Piper will leave the series after seven episodes at which point she'll be replaced by "any old slapper with an equity card".
• The Mill will not be providing the special effects in season two, citing "several nervous breakdowns" as a perfectly valid reason. They will be replaced by the effects teams responsible for Robot Chicken and Team America.
• Notable guest-stars who have already signed up to appear in season two include her off Hollyoaks, him off Holby City, the dog from Emmerdale and that bloke from that thing about the whatsit. He was good in that.

Doctor Who's Bad Wolf Revealed

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal the identity of 'The Bad Wolf', an enigma that has baffled Doctor Who fans for several months.

Episode 12 will finally reveal that he is, in fact, Wolf from Gladiators who has reverted to using performance enhancing steroids during a sequence where Rose is trapped inside a re-run of the classic TV show.

It's just one example of the show's heroes being caught up in a nightmarish world of Reality TV which is said to test their sanity (as well as the audience's) to the limit.

Controversial moments include: the Doctor being voted out of Big Brother for being a goofy know-it-all who never changes his clothes; Rose being told What Not to Wear by Trinny and Susannah (specifically hoodies, which are now, tragically, banned); Anne Robinson chastising a lone Sontaran Warrior for being the Weakest Linx; and a poignant scene where Captain Jack explores the eerily barren wasteland that is the Celebrity Wrestling set.

In an even more surreal twist we'll see Russell The Davies take part in a special instalment of Straight Eye for The Queer Guy where Gary Bushell will force him to remove all of the overt references to campness and bisexuality in his scripts.

Other spoilers which threaten to ruin the final episode of this season ("The Parting of the Contracts") are currently in circulation too (if you call up the BBC's PR department during the late shift they'll tell you anything). If you don't want to know what happens please look away now:

• The Doctor is forced to regenerate when his body gives in to a severe bout of eczema
• The Ninth Doctor's final words are "Thank **** that's over".
• The Tenth Doctor's first words are "Och Aye the Noo, baby!"

And in related news, ITV have decided to have one final stab at beating Who in the ratings by screening a copy of Revenge of the Sith that they've bought off this bloke in Camden Market. More news as we get it.

Doctor Who Back On Target

The BBC has announced the re-introduction of the iconic TARGET range of novelisations which will be based on the new series of Doctor Who. "We hadn't originally planned on doing these," confirmed Justin Richards in a false beard. "But Terrence Dicks forgot to tell the magic elves who used to leave a fresh adaptation on his workbench each morning. They've been at it again, and it's not like we're going to miss an opportunity to wring some money out of this show, is it?"

The paperbacks will be priced at 75p and will feature cover illustrations from the recently exhumed Chris Archellios. And another nice touch which pays homage to the original range means that many of the book's titles will be completely different to the titles shown on screen.

The first seven books are confirmed as:

• Doctor Who and the London Eye of Death
• Doctor Who and the Party in Space
• Doctor Who and the Alien Gas Ghosts of Cardiff
• Doctor Who and the Flatulent Invasion
• Doctor Who and the Unconvincing Hacking
• Doctor Who in an Exciting Debate on the Nature of Identity with a Dalek
• Doctor Who and the Meat Ceiling

Reported by Neil Stewart and Tachyon TV

Doctor Who News

• After a review of its policy about on-air promotions, the BBC has decided to scrap the controversial 'Next Week on Doctor Who' trailers.  A BBC spokesperson said: "In order to comply with government targets, no-one should make an appointment to see the Doctor more than 48 hours in advance".
• The Daleks are leaving the series after only one season. "It was all planned from the start," one of the Daleks admitted yesterday as he rehearsed for an RSC production of 'Troilus and Cressida' (and not an advert for batteries, as originally claimed in the "oh shit, they've rumbled us" BBC press release).
  
• David Walliams' Doctor Who episode will be narrated in the first-person by Tom Baker.
• Fans can rest easy: David Tennant has been contracted to play the Doctor for 18 years (with an option for another 12).
• Toy manufacturers are still desperately filing the ears off their Eccleston dolls in the hope they can re-badge them before Christmas.
  
• The BBC admit that switchboards were jammed with 1428 complaints after the screening of 'The Unquiet Dead'. Thankfully, 1427 of them were from Lawrence Miles.
• Ian Hyland cracks a smile during an episode and promptly explodes.
• Anne Robinson to appear in episode 12 as 'Anne Droid'.

Oh, sorry, that last one is actually true.

Reported by Tachyon TV, Daryl Millar & Ed Reynolds

Celebrity Doctor Who Watching

Following the trouncing of ITV's Celebrity Wrestling by an admittedly poor Doctor Who story, ITV execs believe they may have come up with the answer.

A programming executive told Tachyon TV yesterday. "Well wot wiv da interest in Doctor Who and seeing as 'ow celebrities are so popular we've decided to show Celebrity Doctor Who Watching and we 'ave some great names lined up, innit?"

Highlights of the series include some bird from Corrie saying, "Ooh look they can climb stairs now, bet I will forget that in 16 years time!", the bloke from Big Brother 3 commenting "I preferred the geezer from Monarch of the Glen," and Dominic Diamond slating the whole series simply because "its all just a bit shit and unbelievable isn't it, now where's my pay check?"

Reported by Paul Songer

'Who' Pirates Upset

With the lack of any American broadcaster profiting in any way from the critically-acclaimed revival of 'Doctor Who', American video pirates are finding that there is simply no one around to sue them.

"It's awful," admits a bootleg video enthusiast known only as 'M3rd0c.'  "Here we are, going to all the trouble of getting the latest rips, compressing it with the best algorithms, even authoring our own DVD images... and what do we get?  No cease-and-desist orders, no threatening mail on company letterhead.. our Internet provider hasn't even been subpoenaed for our real names and addresses, for pity's sake!  If only someone would sell the damn thing over here, then we'd have an entity to work against.  To be honest, this hardly feels 'underground' enough to bother with."

"I've been consistently sharing Doctor Who," continued M3rd0c.  "You know that illegally leaked first episode that some Canadian got fired over?  I've had it shared over Kazaa, eDonkey, and Bittorrent since it came out.  Thousands of people have downloaded it off me.  After over a month without a single threat, I got desperate and posted several episodes to Usenet, from my own personal home and work accounts.  And do I catch any hell for it?  Not a bit!  Everyone on IRC is laughing at me now.  Some cyberpunk I turned out to be."

"With nobody taking down my torrent sites, and no court cases to prepare for, I'm at a loss for what to do with myself.  I guess I could always watch the files, they might as well be good for something.  Maybe I'll like it, I think I remember watching Doctor Who on PBS when I was little.  I always loved it when that Rimmer guy called the other guy a smeg head."

Reported by Rob T Firefly

Doctor Who Season 2 Delayed

It has been revealed that the new series of Doctor Who will be delayed because David Tennant has to take his GCSEs.

A spokesman for Tennant (his mum) said: "He's not missing his GCSEs; I've always said he should get a proper job and not ponce around on the stage all his life. With some GCSEs he can get a proper trade when this acting bug wears off, you know, like that nice Wil Wheaton off Star Trek: The Next Generation did".

Reported by Simon Ellis & Tachyon TV

Vote Dalek

Reported by Damon Querry

Tennant elected ‘Doctor X’

Actor David Tennant has been elected as the Doctor - the head of the world's 110 million Doctor Who fans.

Taking the name Doctor Who X, the 34-year-old Scot appeared on the balcony of The Fitzroy Tavern where he was greeted by loud cheers from the many thousands of pilgrims who had packed the pavements as news of his election spread across the internet.

Tennant was chosen on the third round of votes by the 115 uber-fans meeting to select the 9th Doctor's successor. Cardinal Andrew Beech announced the news by burning old copies of the fanzine DWB.

Giving a short address in English to the crowds gathered below, the new Doctor paid homage to his predecessor, and great friend, Christopher Eccleston. "Dear brothers and sisters, after the great Doctor, Chris Eccleston, the fans have elected me, a simple and humble actor in the Lord's vineyard," he said.

"The fact that RTD can work and act even with insufficient means consoles me, and above all I entrust myself to your prayers.

"In the joy of the resurrected show, we go on with his help. He is going to help us and Billie will be on our side. Thank you," he added.

Clad in a long multi-coloured scarf and a short red cape, he then delivered the traditional 'Ego sum Medicus' (I am the Doctor) blessing.

He will be inaugurated as the 10th Doctor at Christmas, the BBC has confirmed.

Reported by Paul Rissen and Tachyon TV