Lost: Season Two Spoilers

Because Tachyon TV appreciates the fact that some of its readers are still halfway through the first series of Lost, we have elected to reveal our exclusive Season Two episode titles and spoilers in special invisi-text (just don't tell anyone and spoil it for them. OK?):

The Will To Live: the hatch is finally opened and the survivors discover a large vat of peanut butter.

Interest: Jin shocks the survivors when he reveals that he is fluent in Klingon. Meanwhile, Sawyer gets his cock out and stares at it for a bit.

Luggage: a Vincent flashback episode; the implication being that the island is just a product of the dog's warped imagination as he slowly drowns, locked in a box in the cargo hold.

Weight: A whole episode dedicated to Hurley talking about food. These monologues will be intercut with flashbacks of him actually eating some food. This culminates in a shocking ending where he eats his own feet.

The Plot: A dramatic flashback will reveal that John Locke lost the use of his legs after being involved in a tragic hit-and-run accident. It turns out that Sawyer was driving the car and he was on the run from a mysterious Korean hit-man at the time. The operation to save Locke's legs was botched by Jack's dad who had been indulging in a binge session with Drive Shaft when he should have been on call. Meanwhile, tension on the island continues to mount as Kate gets into a pouting competition with Shannon.

Patience: One of the air-stewards from Oceanic Flight 815 is found living in a tree with only the emergency plastic ramp for shelter and a bag of duty free perfume to keep the flies off his gangrenous leg. A flashback will reveal that he was felt up by Boone just after take-off. With Ricky Gervais as camp Larry.

Away to Chelsea Again: a Charlie-centric episode as the Drive Shaft crooner rams copious amounts of his namesake up his nostrils. And, finally, the French Woman reveals the shocking truth behind her Yugoslavian accent.

Credibility: Walt ages two years in one day and the monster making the horrific noise in the jungle is revealed to be Hurley taking a dump.