Tachyon TV

More Who Spin-offs Revealed

Following the commission of Torchwood, which is, of course, an anagram of Doctor Who, the BBC have commissioned even more spin-off shows to complete the collection and ensure R T Davies a place at HappyDale, where every lunatic is a clean one:

Cohort Dow: Featuring Mickey as the sly Dowager who plots to overthrow the British government by hacking into the UNIT website every week and sending rude jokes to the Prime Minister.

CrowdHoot: Featuring a group of barn owls, one of which may have hooted in The Empty Child, but you'll have to wait 13 weeks to find out!

Cord, Oh Tow: Featuring the Tow Truck rope which featured in The Parting of The Ways as it tries to make it in London as an actor.

Cord, Oh: Two: Spin-off series from Cord, Oh Tow, where the gear stick finally breaks free and vows to seek enlightenment from a life of travelling around breaking into TARDISes.

Cot, Oh Word!: A prequel series featuring the Doctor's adventures as a Time Tot.

'How, Doctor?': Spin-off featuring every single companion who has ever asked the Doctor an inane question.

Reported by James Coleman and Tachyon TV

Missing Who Planned

The BBC have announced that the final three episodes of the new Doctor Who series will be destroyed before they are even transmitted. 

A BBC statement said: "For the fans who complain that the series isn't as good as it was in the 60's and 70's, we will be wiping the final three episodes as soon as they leave the edit suite.  This way fans can debate whether they were ever any good or not for years".

Reported by Simon Ellis

24 Hour Rolling Who

The BBC has defended its decision to ask the Government for a 2% above inflation increase in the number of hours in the day. Director General, Mark Thompson, stated that this was needed if the BBC was to honour its commitments and broadcast all of its planned Doctor Who output, which includes both the main parent show and all 18 spin-offs - including the recently announced Torchwood.

A pressure group who campaigns on behalf of the vulnerable in society said,  "Pensioners will be hardest hit as they are already struggling to fill even 24 hours. There's only so much Last of the Summer Wine and crochet a human being can handle in one day."

The other Doctor Who spin-offs currently include:

• Yes, Minister for Flydale North: hilarious sit-com written by Ian Hislop and starring Penelope Winton
• Have I Got Doctor Who News For You: live panel show which airs at Midnight to capitalise on any press leaks, with Andrew Beech and Gary Gilliat as the team captains
• Rose Unleashed: late-night masturbatory fantasy in which Rose moves into a flat with Mickey
• Doctor Who Confidential Confidential: go so far behind-the-scenes you come out the other side
• Late Who Review: Tom Paulin and Bonnie Greer are forced to sit through the entire canon. Followed by Newsnight's look at the early edition fanzine covers
• Who 2006: Jonathan Ross casts a critical eye over the week's Doctor Who output
• Duggan: gritty crime drama starring Tom Chadbon as a cop on the edge
• The Whoprentice: Russell T Davies puts 12 fanboys through a gruelling 13 week job interview. The winner gets to write the Sad Tony spin-off
• King Arthur: with Sylvester McCoy as Merlin
• Raxacoricofallapatorius 24: Rolling 24 hour news service from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius
• Jago and Litefoot: finally!
• Over-egging the pudding: Cookery show with Gary Russell
• So You Want to Create A Web Site? BBC Bitesize course where Mickey and Clive demonstrate how to make a truly awful website
• Watchdog: consumer rights programme hosted by K9
• Jobsearch: with Christopher Eccleston
• Torchwood: Rhyll (spin-off from Torchwood: Cardiff)
• Torchwood: Asby-de-la-Zouch (spin-off from the spin-off)
• Hot Cod Row: steamy soap opera set in a chip shop
• Touchwood: documentary series which asks whether all this Who saturation will result in public apathy and a swift cancellation

Reported by Damon Querry, Tachyon TV and feelk

The Tachyon TV Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts

A few of us have been toying with the idea of bringing out a Tachyon TV reference book for quite some time. Today we finally get around to actually doing something about it. Besides, my mum leaked the news to the press.

We are putting together a book proposal that we will be pitching to Tiny Venezuelan Mondas Press (and anyone else who might be interested) in the New Year. Exciting, huh?

The details are fairly fluid at the moment, but we would like to make this a collaborative effort between the fans and as a result we are calling for any Andrew Pixleys with Munchhausen's to come forward with their little known and completely made-up facts about Doctor Who.

In our pitch we will be submitting two or three sample guide entries and at this very early stage we'll be looking for completely made-up facts about any of the following episodes: The Dalek Invasion of Earth, The Claws of Axos, The Caves of Androzani and Boom Town. We may open it up to audios and novels later.

Every fact we use will be credited (unless you wish to remain anonymous). In the case of any repetition we'll go with the time-stamp on the e-mail. However, there's no money involved and if (and it's a very big if!) we actually make any money from this venture we will donate it to the fund set up to relieve whichever natural disaster has pummeled the planet closest to the time of publication/getting an advance.

Please send any made-up facts (or any questions) to: blog@tachyon-tv.co.uk

The closing date is Christmas, 2005.

Bond is Back

After months of speculation the next James Bond has finally been cast.

Christopher Eccleston will be the sixth actor to play the world's most famous secret agent and he is said to be delighted to have been signed up for a record-breaking five year deal (especially since he'll only do the one).

"I'm well chuffed," said Chris. "It's about time we had a Bond who spoke like a twat, had a chip on his shoulder, and stood in the corner of the room with his arms crossed, grinning like a Cheshire Cat having a stroke. I can't wait to get started and fall out with the director. Fantastic!"

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal that Chris was actually the second choice to play Bond but no one can spell Ioan Gruffud, let alone say it.

Dr Who: Series 2 Set Report

Filming continued late into the evening at The Fitzroy Tavern, on Thursday night. The show's regulars where no-where to be seen as I gathered that this particular sequence is from the pre-credits opening of episode 4.

In a basement room there was a presentation on xml, mysql and php going on. I believe that this elaborate looking coven, who were huddled around the PowerPoint presentation, are key to the entire episode as they're attempting to use the natural lay lines (that also happen to be the pipes that transport the beer from the cellar to the pumps) that run beneath the boozer to call forth some terrible evil.

The inside of the bar had been completely re-dressed as there were beers on sale that I've never seen in any other pub. One of them was called Ayingerbrau and had a be-whiskered giant of a man on the pump. I later found out that this was connected to the main threat of the episode.

Also spotted were Jeremy Bentham, Rob Shearman and Steve Moffat. I understand that the major enemy of the piece, who is called The Ayingerbrau, will be played by these three men in a foam rubber suit, with Bentham taking the head and torso and Shearman and Moffat a leg each.

As the night wore on, and vodka was taken to equalise the effect of the terrible lager being consumed, the monster made his appearance and slowly consumed groups of men. But as no-one actually talks or notices anyone outside of their own group there was no reaction as slowly, one-by-one, each group was consumed by the monster.

There was then a terrible grinding and churning sound. No, I'm afraid this wasn't the TARDIS arriving, just people being very, very ill indeed through beer consumption.

Reported by Damon Querry

Blake's 7 Rebooted

Blake's 7 is returning to our screens, and in a move that will directly parallel the recent successful remake of Battlestar Galactica, the series will be completely rebooted.

However, unlike BSG, the new B7 will lose all of its gritty realism in favour of a more disco-in-space tone.

Here are just some of the preposterous changes being mooted:

• Instead of being smeared as a child molester in the first episode, Blake received a court summons for non-payment of his TV licence
• Avon now has an annoying 7 year old child in tow with a midget-sized soft toy as his constant companion
• The part of Jenna will be playen by a man with a perm
• The guns will look like cheap jewelry (hang on a minute - Ed)
• Serverlan's trademark plunging neckline costumes will be replaced by an actor in a shiny metal suit
• The theme music will be replaced by some comedy parp-parp music

The show is expected to last for one season and a confusing spin-off mini series.

Reported by Damon Querry, John Williams and Ayingerbrau

Low Cost Time Travel

Stelios, the serial entrepreneur and founder of the easyGroup, has announced the latest in its range of low cost services, easyTARDIS.

Stelios, having revolutinized air travel, is set to do the same for time travel. With daily flights from Totters Lane the service will be starting with the following exciting destinations:

• A Week Ago Last Tuesday
• August 14th
• 2132
• 60 Billion Slash Benetton

Expect more desitnations to be added in the near (or recent) future.

Reported by Damon Querry

The Abzorbaloff is Off!

The producers of Doctor Who are facing a huge legal battle as Roger Hancock, acting on behalf of William Grantham (age 9), has refused the BBC permission to use the Abzorbaloff in an upcoming episode.

The winner of the Blue Peter Design a Monster competition was due to battle David Tennant's Doctor until talks between the BBC and Grantham, who created the Abzorbaloff, broke down over issues of editorial control.

Grantham claimed that the BBC were trying to ruin the Abzorbaloff brand by making him both gay and mauve. "The other kids at school will make William's life a misery and the experience will probably scar him for life," said Mr Hancock, with a protective arm around the young designer's shoulder. "That will cost the BBC at least another ten grand".

But don't worry, The Sun are on the case and they plan to launch a 'Save the Green Blobby Sumo-Thing!' campaign in tomorrow's edition.

Stephen Fry, the writer of the Abzorbaloff episode, is said to be furiously re-writing his script so it can include Sad Tony instead (see above). "Marvellous," he said.

Russell T Davies has been quick to reassure the fans: "Sad Tony is a farting alien with a trunk shaped like a giant penis. I can't believe we didn't go for him in the first place!"

Rik Waller is reported to be gutted.

Lost: Season Two Spoilers

Because Tachyon TV appreciates the fact that some of its readers are still halfway through the first series of Lost, we have elected to reveal our exclusive Season Two episode titles and spoilers in special invisi-text (just don't tell anyone and spoil it for them. OK?):

The Will To Live: the hatch is finally opened and the survivors discover a large vat of peanut butter.

Interest: Jin shocks the survivors when he reveals that he is fluent in Klingon. Meanwhile, Sawyer gets his cock out and stares at it for a bit.

Luggage: a Vincent flashback episode; the implication being that the island is just a product of the dog's warped imagination as he slowly drowns, locked in a box in the cargo hold.

Weight: A whole episode dedicated to Hurley talking about food. These monologues will be intercut with flashbacks of him actually eating some food. This culminates in a shocking ending where he eats his own feet.

The Plot: A dramatic flashback will reveal that John Locke lost the use of his legs after being involved in a tragic hit-and-run accident. It turns out that Sawyer was driving the car and he was on the run from a mysterious Korean hit-man at the time. The operation to save Locke's legs was botched by Jack's dad who had been indulging in a binge session with Drive Shaft when he should have been on call. Meanwhile, tension on the island continues to mount as Kate gets into a pouting competition with Shannon.

Patience: One of the air-stewards from Oceanic Flight 815 is found living in a tree with only the emergency plastic ramp for shelter and a bag of duty free perfume to keep the flies off his gangrenous leg. A flashback will reveal that he was felt up by Boone just after take-off. With Ricky Gervais as camp Larry.

Away to Chelsea Again: a Charlie-centric episode as the Drive Shaft crooner rams copious amounts of his namesake up his nostrils. And, finally, the French Woman reveals the shocking truth behind her Yugoslavian accent.

Credibility: Walt ages two years in one day and the monster making the horrific noise in the jungle is revealed to be Hurley taking a dump.