Tachyon TV

Tachyon TV Hub

Hi there - just a couple of (real) news items.

Firstly, you might like to check out the new Tachyon TV Hub where you'll find links to some of my other sites. And secondly, I'm finally off on my holidays tomorrow and normal service will resume in early September.

'Who' Mobile

The BBC announced today that classic episodes of Doctor Who will be made available to mobile phone users.

The Restoration Team have been working around the clock to make these episodes accessible to the text message generation and, having painstakingly expunged, digitally, all the vowels, are proud to announce that the first story to be released is the 4th Doctor classic GNSS F TH DLKS: the DLKS and their evil creator DVRS threaten to XTRMN8 the DCTR and SRH-JN.

Each download costs £17 per minute (£34 per minute peak rate) and the first 100 downloads also receive a free Crazy Frog remix of the Delaware theme tune.

Reported by Damon Querry

Battlestar Galactica: the Musical

In a desperate attempt to inject a bit of fun back into Battlestar Galactica, the producer's have announced plans to film a musical episode.

Described by Ronald D Moore as "Blackpool meets the Black Hole", the episode will feature:

• Commander Adama growling his way through The Smith's 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now'
• Boomer serenading Helo with a cover version of Cylon Dion's 'I Will Always Love You' (backed by a choir of naked Boomers). This then segues into Lionel Ritche's 'Helo' (bring a tissue).
• Colonel Tigh beating his dead wife with a broken bottle while he mimes (badly) to 'Fairytale of New York'
• President Roslyn's acoustic 'Personal Jesus'
• Baltar singing the theme tune to Pipkins (for no readily apparent reason!)
• Starbuck and Apollo in an all-signing, all-dancing version of Kylie and Jason's 'Especially for You'

And then everybody dies...

SJS Goes to Iceland

Tachyon TV is sad to report that Elizabeth Sladen has pulled out of reprising the role of Sarah Jane Smith in the new series of Doctor Who.

Sladen's agent cited scheduling conflicts with a new and exciting season of Iceland adverts.

The role of Sarah Jane has been recast and she will now be played by Mary McDonnell (see left) who suddenly found a window in her diary when her Battlestar Galactica character was unceremoniously killed off last week.

Rygel XVI joins Stargate

Dominar Rygel XVI has joined the cast of Stargate, reuniting with fellow Farscape actors Ben Browder and Claudia Black in the process.

"I'm playing one of those anodyne human soldiers and the make-up is a bloody nightmare. I have to undergo six hours of prosthetics every morning and the motorised stilts are a killer."

His old ship, Moya, is currently in talks to appear as a regularly occurring corridor in Stargate: Atlantis.

Tachyon TV's Spoiler Guide to 'Lost'

Hooked on Lost? Can't wait to find out what happens next? Did you forget to watch the E4 documentary that spoilt it all? Well, fret not, as Tachyon TV has seen all 25 episodes and we can now present all the answers to many the questions posed in season one:

1) You get to know who owns the Mexican comicbook.

2) er... that's it.

Sockless in Suburbia

The latest issue of DWM contains a picture exclusive of the 10th Doctor. Editor Clayborn Von Hockmann reveals in his editorial column, "..DWM once again beats all the competition and brings you exclusive sockless shots of the new Doctor. Honest. Even in this digital age DWM can still hold its own. Nobody else has these shots. It's like being the Telegraph or something!

"As well as bringing you all the latest news a mere six weeks after the Internet gets it, we've also brought back two familiar elements from DWM's glorious past: the Matrix Data Bank and Sycophancy."

Reported by Damon Querry & Tachyon TV

Advertisement: X-Factor

Reported by Damon Querry

Design a Monster Result

A nine-year-old boy's winning design for a monster will feature in the next series of  Doctor Who.

William Grantham, from Colchester, Essex, came up with  Christoperecclestonecanfuckoff, a monster which disappoints fanboys around the world by only appearing in one season.

This year's competition broke records with fourteen entries - the biggest response to a Blue Peter Doctor Who competition since 1989 when viewers were invited to predict how long Sylvester McCoy would stay in the role and were rewarded with an evening out with John Nathan-Turner at a local Turkish baths.

Reported by Pat from Blackpool

Doctor Who News In Brief

• The editor of the Radio Times apologises profusely to Doctor Who fans after failing to include a 16 page spread on the 8th Doctor's first appearance on BBC7.
• The 9th Doctor action figure comes complete with branded Who nail file so you can shave a few inches off the ears and nose to magically turn it into a 10th Doctor action figure.
• The BBC has issued a plea to fans who are planning on turning up to location filming to refrain from creating a distraction whilst filming is in progress. Apparently they have been disturbed by a number of flashes, but hope that as the weather worsens it'll become too cold for members of the public to expose themselves in front of David Tennant.
• Anthony Stewart Head is reported to be thrilled to appear as The Watcher in the new series. Until he discovered it meant he'd be covered from head to toe in papier mache...

Reported by Damon Querry

Advertisement: MasterCard

Swanky New Suit = £600
Remington Beard Trimmer = £50
Surgical Removal of Subtlety = £10,000
Stealing a Hot Chick's Body and Running Around in it = priceless

Some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard, accepted wherever renegade Time Lords crave Universal dominance.

Reported by Paul Songer & Damon Querry

Trek's End: The Government Swings Into Action

With the last episode of Star Trek: Enterprise airing last night on Sky One, a nation's Trek fans now find a large, gaping hole in their sad existence. Worried that this will generate a situation where thousands of sad, social inadequates have way too much time on their hands, and might start making mischief, the Government has issued a pamphlet with lots of handy hints and tips to help these couch Trekkers cope with facing up to harsh reality of life without their favourite show.

Amongst the pearls of wisdom contained within...

• Broadcasters have been issued with copies of the classic Trek episode "The City on the Edge of Forever" which will air round the clock on all channels should social unrest break out and the rioting herds need to be pacified.
• Surgical procedures to add permanent prosthetic Vulcan ear extensions and Klingon cranial ridges will be offered free on the NHS.
• Detailed descriptions of a new life-form, new to these Trek fans at least, has been included. The booklet urges all these young males to seek out "girls" and also contains some handy opening lines guaranteed (by Robin Cook) to work.

Religious leaders are also standing by to help, should anyone want to convert to Who fandom. Look out for your copy today!

Reported by Damon Querry

 

 

 

 

10th Doctor Costume Revealed

Described by the popular Sci-Fi press, and SFX Magazine, as "geek chic" the 10th Doctor's costume was recently revealed. Here at Tachyon TV we are able to give you the full run down:

Nothing says the early days of home computing like an Atari t-shirt and the 10th Doctor will be sporting this throughout his tenure – to be tucked firmly into his y-fronts at all times. Setting off the t-shirt will be a pair of a-line polyester slacks, with pockets in the knees, capable of generating fearsome amounts of static electricity as they rub together at the crotch. For socks, nothing less than Jet Set Willy embroidered knee length stockings would do for this geeky Doctor, together with matching sock suspenders. And shoes, what else but a pair of 1970's school gym plimsolls. The whole ensemble is topped off with a furry-hooded parker jacket.

Wardrobe consultant Mark Ayres said, "It's a positive triumph."

Reported by Damon Querry