Tachyon TV

Battlestar Galactica Accidentally Cancelled

Battlestar Galactica has accidentally cancelled itself, Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal.

The second series had been commissioned for 20 episodes but it will all come to a premature end after the broadcast of episode seven (entitled 'Fracked'). Ronald D Moore explains: "We got to the point where we were being so gritty and realistic and not afraid of pulling any punches that we accidentally killed off the entire cast of characters. To be fair, the show was getting harder to write after episode five when we had Colonel Tigh beat his wife to death with a broken bottle directly after Adama's funeral, before shooting himself in the head, which we beautifully inter-cut with Starbuck accidentally setting fire to herself with a cigar, even if I do say so myself".

Furious fans are begging the producer to reconsider but Moore remains adamant: "An ingenious fan suggested that we turn the whole episode into one of Baltar's dream sequences but what he doesn't realise is that Baltar spontaneously combusts in episode six. It's a tough universe."

Richard Hatch is reported to be livid.

Tenth Planet Discovery

Science fiction fans were left reeling today when Tachyon TV failed to link NASA's discovery of the tenth planet with a missing episode of Doctor Who.

The planet, tentatively called Geoff, was discovered late on Friday evening and it had absolutely nothing whatsoever do to with Ian Levine or Steve Roberts' Restoration Team. Tachyon TV apologises for any inconvenience that may have been caused.

Beyond the TARDIS

August: From the 19th, William Russell will be appearing in his local Somerfield wondering what he came in for.  Most Evenings and Wednesday matinees, until the court order comes through.

September: To celebrate the release of 'The Web Planet' on DVD, Maureen O' Brien will be smearing Vaseline and/or swarfega over her aperture at the Stamp Centre in the Strand.  Bring Sandwiches and some Wellingtons.

Graeme Bung, writer of Virgin New Adventure 'The Depths of Pretentousnessness' (The one in which Roz has sex, Chris gets tortured and the Doctor isn't involved until the last eight pages) has written his first non-Who novel.  'It Aint Nessie celery so', the continuing stories of the Doctor's stick of celery (made sentient in his own Missing Adventure 'The Urbankan Inheritance') will be published by Mad Badger Vanishing press and never see the inside of a bookshop in the whole of its short miserable life.

28th: Jennifer Bitpart, famous for her role as 'Barri', the sixth doctor's newest Big Finish companion, will be appearing as 'delighted margarine eater' in the new series of Spreadula ads, premiering on terrestrial television in all parts of Britain and Newcastle.

October: On the 12th, Paul Mahjong, ex Dr Who novelist and nothing much else, will be appearing at Blandly-Under-Whelming literary festival.  He will be reading extracts from his latest novel, a collection of his most testy internet postings on Outpost Gallifey and Jade Pagoda.  'The Last Retort' is published by Tragically Tiny Press, and released under cover of darkness.  Each copy will be signed by Micheal Sheard just for the hell of it.

December: Patrick Troughton is still dead.  Tickets are available.

The Complete Ninth Doctor Pamphlet

Continuing their habit of rehashing classic comic strips, DWM have announced the imminent release of a booklet that will hold their complete run of 9th Doctor comic strips.

Clayton Hicupman gushed yesterday, "All those classic 9th Doctor stories are now included in one easy to read, digitally remastered pamphlet which boasts over half a page of unreleased material. They are in full colour and some of the images even bear a slight resemblance to the Doctor and Rose”.

The Complete 9th Doctor Comic Strip Pamphlet will be available for 13 weeks at the end of March 2006 for a price that reflects the quality of the stories: 20p.

Reported by James Whittington

What's the Story?

Telos have released details of their new Unofficial Guide from prolific writer Keith Topping.

What’s The Story? is the first ever guide to the cult series Balamory and Topping and Telos are proud to be first out of the gate with this one. A spokesperson for Telos said, "This is a first for Telos and we’re really pleased with it. Keith has delivered a book which dissects the show's mythos and characters and delves deep into its creation. Each and every episode also comes with a critical analysis and a list of facts. Hey, did you know that the original Josie Jump was replaced in 2003 with no explanation whatsoever? Or that PC Plum is addicted to biscuits? Or why the seagulls have disappeared around the coastline?"

Topping also looks at the Buffy crossover episodes - something that normal folk completely missed - such as the Watcher reference during the episode where Miss Hoolie lost her shoulder bag and was helped by Susie Sweet and Penny Pocket to recover it from the Hellmouth.

The book will be available in normal paperback or special edition lead-lined hardback with a designer cover by musical decorator, Spencer, and autographed by Topping himself - in blood.

More exciting Balamory news is that even though the series has been cancelled by the BBC, Big Finish are in talks to bring out a series of Audio Adventures. Unfortunately, eccentric character Archie the Inventor is reluctant to take part as he wants to play the character his way and not like he did in the series.

Reported by James Whittington

By Royal Command

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal that new legislation will make the failure to commission further series of Doctor Who an act of treason - punishable by death.

From the autumn, cancelling the hit series will join burning British money, killing swans and sticking stamps upside down as acts that will see you tortured mercilessly in the Tower of London. Michael Grade was unavailable for comment.

This follows the news that this year's Queen's speech will form an integral part of the Doctor Who Christmas Special, with HRH set to deliver her annual address perched on the TARDIS console dressed as a Slitheen. Innuendos (in Latin) are currently being prepared by Steven Moffat.

Superman Nicked

With all the bad publicity surrounding ASBOs recently the Police pulled off a massive victory in the war against anti-social behaviour by arresting Superman. Supe had been out for a few bevies with other super heroes and was tanked up when he made his way to the Brixham Kebab house, on the Old Kent Road, London, at 2 in the morning.

Entering the shop through a brick wall the soused super hero proceeded to mash up the counter with his mighty fists demanding more garlic sauce than the kebab house had on offer. Police beat him into submission by showing him clips from Superman IV which rendered him a blubbering wreck.

The ASBO placed on Superman has a number of special clauses, most notably the creation of a no-fly zone around his bed-sit in Balham and an electronic tag connected to one of his ankles using Kryptonite-laced Velcro.

Reported by Damon Querry

Caption Competition 3

Post your caption by using the comment link below. The best entry will receive a free Tachyon TV mousemat.

Last months winner was Zim with: "Couldn't he have gone before we rescued him?"

The runner up was Oscar Goldman with: "What do you mean, faster and more intense?"

Would the winners please send us their addresses via email and your prize will wing its way to you soon.

Incidentally, Tachyon TV's regular transmissions will recommence in a couple of weeks - thank you for your patience. We are currently trying to poach what remains of the BBC Cult website team...

Tachyon TV Investigates: When Pee Turns Green

Time was when a fear of typecasting was the only thing to plague veteran Sci-Fi actors. But a new problem has surfaced amongst the alumnus from various 70's and 80's cheap BBC futuristic series.

Nothing, according to the props and set design departments of the 70's, said "futuristic" more than fancy coloured green beverages. One poor soul, let's call him 'V' to protect his identity (we've also blurred his features to render him unrecognisable), didn't realise until it was too late what sort of cumulative damage 4 years of drinking this green dye would have.

Soon after completing shooting on the series his pee turned the same luminous shade of green and hasn't yet returned to normal. Concern has led him to create a support group to help those similarly afflicted after drinking their way through take after take consuming vast amounts of garish coloured liquid, be it Bo Juice, Synthahol or Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

A free phone number has been set up for suffers to seek advice in complete confidence. Call 1-800-GREENPE

Reported by Damon Querry