Tachyon TV

Breaking News

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie is forced to change its logo after mounting pressure from the Trading Standards Institute.

Sci Fi Audit

Champagne flowed and streamers rained from the ceiling as the European arm of Sci-Fi Channel celebrated its first year of programming without any new science fiction shows whatsoever.

"The great thing is that no-one has noticed" said one exec. "Medical Investigations kinda looks Sci-Fi, because it's got that guy from the X-Files in it, and Robot Wars has got Craig Charles in it (sometimes). Add to that documentaries about UFOs that even Discovery won't show, documentaries about ghosts that even Living won't show, and endless re-runs of series that were cancelled before we showed them the first time round, and we actually got away with it".

Some industry specialists argue that a series currently being stripped called The Pretender may actually count as science fiction - sort of - but have been unable to find anyone, anywhere, who has actually watched more than two minutes of it.

Reported by Steve Sethur

Celebrity Doctor Who Watching

Following the trouncing of ITV's Celebrity Wrestling by an admittedly poor Doctor Who story, ITV execs believe they may have come up with the answer.

A programming executive told Tachyon TV yesterday. "Well wot wiv da interest in Doctor Who and seeing as 'ow celebrities are so popular we've decided to show Celebrity Doctor Who Watching and we 'ave some great names lined up, innit?"

Highlights of the series include some bird from Corrie saying, "Ooh look they can climb stairs now, bet I will forget that in 16 years time!", the bloke from Big Brother 3 commenting "I preferred the geezer from Monarch of the Glen," and Dominic Diamond slating the whole series simply because "its all just a bit shit and unbelievable isn't it, now where's my pay check?"

Reported by Paul Songer

'Who' Pirates Upset

With the lack of any American broadcaster profiting in any way from the critically-acclaimed revival of 'Doctor Who', American video pirates are finding that there is simply no one around to sue them.

"It's awful," admits a bootleg video enthusiast known only as 'M3rd0c.'  "Here we are, going to all the trouble of getting the latest rips, compressing it with the best algorithms, even authoring our own DVD images... and what do we get?  No cease-and-desist orders, no threatening mail on company letterhead.. our Internet provider hasn't even been subpoenaed for our real names and addresses, for pity's sake!  If only someone would sell the damn thing over here, then we'd have an entity to work against.  To be honest, this hardly feels 'underground' enough to bother with."

"I've been consistently sharing Doctor Who," continued M3rd0c.  "You know that illegally leaked first episode that some Canadian got fired over?  I've had it shared over Kazaa, eDonkey, and Bittorrent since it came out.  Thousands of people have downloaded it off me.  After over a month without a single threat, I got desperate and posted several episodes to Usenet, from my own personal home and work accounts.  And do I catch any hell for it?  Not a bit!  Everyone on IRC is laughing at me now.  Some cyberpunk I turned out to be."

"With nobody taking down my torrent sites, and no court cases to prepare for, I'm at a loss for what to do with myself.  I guess I could always watch the files, they might as well be good for something.  Maybe I'll like it, I think I remember watching Doctor Who on PBS when I was little.  I always loved it when that Rimmer guy called the other guy a smeg head."

Reported by Rob T Firefly

Doctor Who Season 2 Delayed

It has been revealed that the new series of Doctor Who will be delayed because David Tennant has to take his GCSEs.

A spokesman for Tennant (his mum) said: "He's not missing his GCSEs; I've always said he should get a proper job and not ponce around on the stage all his life. With some GCSEs he can get a proper trade when this acting bug wears off, you know, like that nice Wil Wheaton off Star Trek: The Next Generation did".

Reported by Simon Ellis & Tachyon TV

Sir John Mills

Science-fiction fandom was praised for its grasp of perspective and appreciation of actors' careers outside of the genre last night as SFX magazine ran an obituary for legendary actor Sir John Mills. Or as SFX put it, "The third best Quatermass. Oh, well, fourth actually if we include Keir from the films."

While candidly admitting that he was "No Tate or Morell," SFX touchingly paid tribute to "the bloke who did it 'cos all the other TV ones were dead by then", and also mentioned his prominent guest role in an episode of 'Morecambe & Wise'.

Sir John Mills also appeared in some films.

Reported by Paul Hayes

Vote Dalek

Reported by Damon Querry

Tennant elected ‘Doctor X’

Actor David Tennant has been elected as the Doctor - the head of the world's 110 million Doctor Who fans.

Taking the name Doctor Who X, the 34-year-old Scot appeared on the balcony of The Fitzroy Tavern where he was greeted by loud cheers from the many thousands of pilgrims who had packed the pavements as news of his election spread across the internet.

Tennant was chosen on the third round of votes by the 115 uber-fans meeting to select the 9th Doctor's successor. Cardinal Andrew Beech announced the news by burning old copies of the fanzine DWB.

Giving a short address in English to the crowds gathered below, the new Doctor paid homage to his predecessor, and great friend, Christopher Eccleston. "Dear brothers and sisters, after the great Doctor, Chris Eccleston, the fans have elected me, a simple and humble actor in the Lord's vineyard," he said.

"The fact that RTD can work and act even with insufficient means consoles me, and above all I entrust myself to your prayers.

"In the joy of the resurrected show, we go on with his help. He is going to help us and Billie will be on our side. Thank you," he added.

Clad in a long multi-coloured scarf and a short red cape, he then delivered the traditional 'Ego sum Medicus' (I am the Doctor) blessing.

He will be inaugurated as the 10th Doctor at Christmas, the BBC has confirmed.

Reported by Paul Rissen and Tachyon TV

Tachyon TV Investigates

Long considered a family show aimed at children, Doctor Who faces an altogether new breed of teenager. We asked the crucial 12 to 16 year old  demographic, why didn't YOU tune into the new series?

1. Show came highly recommended by the same bastard who grounded me.
2. Can never find TV remote while on smack high.
3. Old news. Downloaded the first episode off Kazzaa weeks ago. Some black and white shit with an old guy in a junk yard?
4. Too busy shagging on the sofa to hide behind it.
5. Couldn't make bail.
6. I never miss Merry and Pippin on ITV.
7. Too busy parkouring off the television to actually watch it.

Reported by Matthew Sawyer

Trek Un-united

Reported by Matthew Sawyer

News in Brief

• The producers of the 'Hitchhiker's' movie maintain that they stayed true to the wishes of Douglas Adams. "We made the changes over his dead body, just as he demanded," said Garth Jennings.
• Enterprise 'Mirror Universe' episode will be set in an alternative reality where the audience actually gives a shit.
• Peter Kay set to mime to an episode of Blake's 7 for a charity DVD release.
• Doctor Who's 12th episode title finally confirmed as 'The Social Workers of Doom'.
• The Doctor's "Fantastic!" catchphrase will be replaced by "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Pull my finger" in season 2.

Reported by Tachyon TV and Declan Kennedy

Caption Competition

Post your caption by using the comment link below. The best entry will receive a free Tachyon TV mug. Honestly.

Last month's caption competition winner was Stephen Brennan with:

Sate of the art make-up: £5000. CGI Background: £1M. Actor's Fee: £10 plus lunch. Beating Ant and Dec in the Ratings: Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's a fat blue thing with a huge forehead. Accepted everywhere, even the BBC.

Tachyon TV Investigates

Now that the first episode of the new Doctor Who series has aired, spoiler-wary fans across the country are emerging from their self-imposed isolation to avoid all possible spoilers. Tachyon TV asked the hard core fans, what did YOU do to avoid those pesky spoilers?

1. Avoided all set reports, cast interviews and episode guides by browsing AICN exclusively.
2. Tore modem from wall, chopped down telegraph pole outside house.
3. Spent four weeks off work hiding in shed with eyes tightly closed and fingers in ears screaming "la la la, I am not listening."
4. Perfected amnesia ray. Sorry, what was the question again?
5. Watched and taped every nanosecond of advance coverage, then pretended really hard that I hadn't.
6. Joined collaborative web blog and waxed nostalgic.
7. Moved to USA. No fucking chance of seeing any of it there.

Reported by Matthew Sawyer

Coming Soon...

Reported by Matthew Sawyer

Submit a Story

We are always on the look-out for exclusive scoops, gossip and leaked artwork. All contributors will be credited but if you send anything to us it may be edited or expanded upon before publication.

Submitting something to Tachyon TV couldn't be easier: simply send it via an email (in plain text please) to story@tachyon-tv.co.uk

If you'd prefer to use a web-form you can still use this one

Welcome to Tachyon TV

Welcome to the new-look, 24-7, it's not a blog - honestly! - Tachyon TV. You'll never have to wait a month between issues ever again!

News stories will appear as they happen! You wouldn't believe the amount of out-of-date Pope dying/Eccleston resigning stories I had clogging up my hard-drive in the run-up to the next regular monthly issue. This way I can report in real-time, rather than wait like an antiquated, albeit quaint, publication like, oh, I dunno; SFX.

You can still contribute to Tachyon TV and each and every news report will be fully credited to the author. So I'll have to stop pretending that all the good bits are mine...

Anyway, I hope you like it. We hope to give you at least a couple of news stories a week. Or your money back.

Given the (hopefully) rapid-fire exchange of bad puns it also means that we won't be running a mailing list anymore. If we did we'd probably end up annoying the hell out of you. However, you can still subscribe to the site via RSS and other new-fangled stuff like that.

This probably means it'll be the last time we'll get a plug on BBCi as well, but we'll just have to roll with the punches.

Enjoy - and feel free to post any feedback in the comments section of this post. Thanks.

Neil Perryman
Editor, Tachyon TV